It only takes a moment

It really does, and I can't sleep. It only takes a moment for life to hit you right between the eyes, and to realize, hey stupid, you're doin it wrong.

After my meltdown yesterday, which I so graciously described for the world to see, I took a few minutes to really think about what was going on inside my head.

After realizing I was putting way too much pressure on myself to get through everything alone and strong, I came to the conclusion, that I am learning.

Something I sent to my Mom tonight, that I feel really clarifies things, at least it did for me:

"I am now trudging through life alone(sorta), and it's a lot more scary than I expected. But I know it's all a learning experience, and I'll be damned, I'm learning. I'm learning to trust my instinct, and let my head tell me where to go next. I'm learning to stand on my own again, and that's a challenge I was hiding from. I had been out with friends maybe 10 times in the last 2 years until this month. I have made new friends, and I'm building on old relationships. I am realizing that I need to learn to crawl before I can walk again. And throwing myself into my work is not going to help me get through this, only avoid it.

I will grow through this mess. I will learn. I will be stronger for it. I will be a better person. This I know. But damnit, it is so hard to reach that point. It's not something that happens overnight, in a week, a month, or at this point, even a year. I know, that I will feel it, REALLY FEEL IT, when I have reached it.

But you know, I feel better now. That slap in the face was what I needed to confront and expose my own inner demons.

Believe me, they bite....."

You know those five stages of grief I'm always going on about?

1) Denial
2) Anger
3) Bargaining
4) Depression
5) Acceptance

I think I've finally moved up on working my way through them. I'm not going to say which stage I'm at, because frankly, I don't know. I want to believe that this weekend was a step towards acceptance, which is probably true, but I don't want to go back to denying myself what I truly feel. We'll see what tomorrow brings. Er, today..... *chuckle*

Things will turn around for me, but it takes inner strength, a drive or ambition to succeed, and a huge group of family and friends full of love and support. I know I have all of that, and I am ready to get out of my funk, and jump into a new groove.

Wow, this is becoming one of those "Look out world!" moments.

Either way, I'm ready to start living again....